Finding my Place
Walking into
The room,
Walls lined
With Barres
And covered in mirrors,
Crowded with women in
Cute leggings
And tank tops.
I put my water bottle
Down by a nearby
Set of weights,
But as I do I am
Quickly rebuked
By a talkative one
Who says,
In a tone as sour
As spoiled milk,
“That was my spot,”
She sideways glances at
Her friend nearby.
I apologize and
Find another empty
Set of weights,
And all of a sudden,
The empty crawls
Right down
My throat
And into
My gut.
Everyone is talking to
Someone but me,
And here I sit
In the middle
Of the room,
Feeling awkward
And like
I don’t belong.
Deciding I can’t
Stand it any more,
I get up to look at
Merchandise in
The front
Of the shop.
Trying to chit chat
With a young, tall,
And slender girl in
Pink leggings
Who is looking too,
I tell her
I need a pair
Of black leggings,
Like these,
She frantically
Reaches over me
Into the pile
And takes the last
Pair that was my size.
Tucking it under her arm,
She heads toward
The register,
Without another
Word to me,
And there I stand
Without a friend,
Or the leggings,
I had hoped to buy.
Swiped right out from
From under me,
As if I wasn’t even there.
Heading back
As the music starts,
I swallow the
Lump in my throat.
The happy chatter
Feels a bit like
A butter knife
In my back,
Or an annoying drone
That won’t
Leave me be.
The teacher counts
On beat and
Going through
The motions,
I begin to
Talk to myself
And to You,
“It’s about the exercise,
Not the friends,
Or fitting in,
Or the black leggings.”
.
I begin to
Huff and puff
And argue
With myself
Refuting
My own argument,
“Its not just about
The exercise
It ‘s about
Connection,
I want to
Be connected
To someone.
Anyone ,
In this moment,
I want a place
To be.
And then
I hear it
Soft and gentle,
Like Your
Voice always comes,
“You are connected
To Me
I am your place
To be.
You are mine.
That’s the brand
You wear
The group you
Belong to,
The tag
On your back says
Bought with a price
And dearly loved.”
Arms bicep curling,
I tell myself truth.
Those feelings,
The ones that said
Uninvited,
Unloved, and unseen,
Those were twisted lies
Spun and intended to
Keep my soul
From freedom.
And slowly
The lump starts shrinking
And the empty starts leaving
As I work this out
To the beat of the music.
And the fighter
In me steps up
To the challenge
Of working out
My faith,
And the believing,
I am loved.
I belong,
To the One
Who matters most,
And I have found
My place
Forever
With Him.
Isaiah 43:1
But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
Psalm135:4
For the Lord has chosen Jacob to be his own, Israel to be his treasured possession