Finding My Place

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Finding My Place

By Susie Teramura

 

Walking into

The room,

Walls lined

With Barres

And covered in mirrors,

Crowded with women in

Cute leggings

And tank tops.

I put my water bottle

Down by a nearby

Set of weights,

 

But as I do I am

Quickly rebuked

By a talkative one

Who says,

In a tone as sour

As spoiled milk,

“That was my spot,”

She sideways glances at

Her friend nearby.

 

I apologize and

Find another empty

Set of weights,

And all of a sudden,

The empty crawls

Right down

My throat

And into

My gut.

 

Everyone is talking to

Someone but me,

And here I sit

In the middle

Of the room,

Feeling awkward

And like

I don’t belong.

 

Deciding I can’t

Stand it any more,

I get up to look at

Merchandise in

The front

Of the shop.

Trying to chit chat

With a young, tall,

And slender girl in

Pink leggings

Who is looking too,

I tell her

I need a pair

Of black leggings,

Like these,

 

She frantically

Reaches over me

Into the pile

And takes the last

Pair that was my size.

Tucking it under her arm,

She heads toward

The register,

Without another

Word to me,

 

And there I stand

Without a friend,

Or the leggings,

I had hoped to buy.

Swiped right out from

From under me,

As if I wasn’t even there.

 

Heading back

As the music starts,

I swallow the

Lump in my throat.

The happy chatter

Feels a bit like

A butter knife

In my back,

Or an annoying drone

That won’t
Leave me be.

 

The teacher counts

On beat and

Going through

The motions,

I begin to

Talk to myself

And to You,

 

“It’s about the exercise,

Not the friends,

Or fitting in,

Or the black leggings.”

.

I begin to

Huff and puff

And argue

With myself

Refuting

My own argument,

 

“Its not just about

The exercise

It ‘s about

Connection,

I want to

Be connected

To someone.

Anyone ,

In this moment,

I want a place

To be.

 

And then

I hear it

Soft and gentle,

Like Your

Voice always comes,

 

“You are connected

To Me

I am your place

To be.

 You are mine.

 That’s the brand

You wear

The group you

Belong to,

 The tag

On your back says

Bought with a price

And dearly loved.”

 

Arms bicep curling,

I tell myself truth.

Those feelings,

The ones that said

Uninvited,

Unloved, and unseen,

Those were twisted lies

Spun and intended to

Keep my soul

From freedom.

 

And slowly

The lump starts shrinking

And the empty starts leaving

As I work this out

To the beat of the music.

 

And the fighter

In me steps up

To the challenge

Of working out

My faith,

 And the believing,

 

I am loved.

I belong,

To the One

Who matters most,

And I have found

My place

Forever

With Him.

 

 

Isaiah 43:1

 But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

 Psalm135:4

 For the Lord has chosen Jacob to be his own, Israel to be his treasured possession 

Photo Credits- Hannah Teramura

15 thoughts on “Finding My Place

  1. Oh, I have been there, and when we’re in the world I guess we always feel this way, it’s not our home, it’s not our place. I love what you said “I am your place to be.” When I go to an upcoming workshop I will remember your words and His love 🙂

  2. I feel for you. I think group exercising classes are soo intimidating as is.
    You are brave to go much less stay after that
    Loved
    Your poetic thoughts in the aftermath.

    1. Thanks so much Somer! Thank you for understanding 🙂 – I think we all have unfortunately felt this way at one time or another. 😦 Interesting how it happens even as adults ! :)!! Thanks so much for your comments and for visiting me today! 🙂

  3. Oh Susie. My heart was hurting so much for you. I can so identify with that feeling. But my heart lifted with yours as you remembered we do belong to the One who matters most. I so admire your perseverance in staying there. This reminds me of a book I’m reading by Lysa Terkeurst from Proverbs31 – Uninvited. I’m presently going through the Bible study offered with it. I love it! Blessings and hugs to you!

    1. Hi Trudi! 🙂 I just started reading that book too! I didn’t get the Bible study book though- Maybe I should- Anyway it was funny because during the class I wrote about I was thinking about ‘living loved’ and was like ok I guess i get to practice this now hahaha! Great how the Lord allows for these opportunities -;) anyway I am getting a lot out of that book already as you can see! Thanks for sharing that you are reading it! Thanks for understanding and encouraging me today! with much love xoxo

  4. Susie,
    I’ve so often been in your shoes that I wonder why I keep going to new place and trying new things. I say to myself (and maybe to God) “Haven’t I tried enough?” And the answer always comes — there’s always a new beginning and so we begin again. And — I bought my ticket to see Sara Hagerty in a couple weeks — and so again I go alone! 🙂 The expanding and growing never stops, does it?!

    Susie, I only wish I were nearby and we could tackle all those places together. 🙂 But what beautiful, fitting words this experience gave to you to share with all of us, because most all of us have been there at some point too. Onward, we go! Much love to you! xoxo

  5. I so feel it all and my heart cries for you, yet is so glad for the comforting assurance the Lord gave you – am so proud of you for fighting through it – I love you, Susette

  6. Hi Valerie 🙂 It is so hard to try new things and be vulnerable and risk having these feelings- They are awful when they come – 😦 but learning (from the book Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurst) how when we are filled full of Gods love for us – these things can’t shake us as much. I am so glad you are going to see her-!! It will be so good and worth it! I wish I could go with you!! It helps so much to have a friend to do new things with. – So true the growing never stops ! I guess that is good since I think it means we are really living! 🙂 Anyway Onward we go- Thankful for you all my blog friends I get to journey with!!- (Also I think your birthday is tomorrow?will be praying you are very very blessed all day long!! Have a wonderful day with your sister on the walking tour!!) with much love xo

  7. Ouch yeah. I moved around growing up so I always had to force myself to talk to people if I wanted friends. Well, now that I am grown and married, I am much less outgoing. Going places without my husband or kids is hard! I feel so awkward and like I stick out.
    I am so glad you stayed!

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